Who Killed The Strib? Coroner's Report
Hennepin County Coroner’s Office
Autopsy Report
Subject: Minneapolis Star Tribune
Description of Record:
Subject died as a result of asphyxia (lack of financial oxygen) due to strangulation as evidenced by the sustained drop in advertisers and consumer subscriptions.
Autopsy revealed bone fracture, rib fractures, hematomas on chest, back and buttocks. Deep bruising of the left chest wall (resulted from Nick Coleman’s tantrum after getting laid off); right wall was ignored (after Katherine Kersten was laid off); hemorrhage into the mesentery of the national and local intestine (a result of scant, gutless news coverage); buttock injuries due to spanking (from consumers seeking alternative online news sources); massive loss of blood and revenue at the scene.
Abrasions on left wrist are consistent with use of restraints (from union-related demands). No evidence of defense injuries or natural disease due to deep denial. The body had an extreme deficiency of moral fiber and a malformed public duty gland. Manner of death is undetermined. Cause of death is under investigation (Shot in the Dark and other curious MN blogs are on the scene and gathering evidence).
Date of death: January 16, 2009
Place of death: Minneapolis, MN (Hennepin County)
Signed,
Quincy, M.E.
Gil Gruesome, CSI, retired
(This is the first part of a multi-part mystery played out on many blogs. Cross-posted at FreedomDogs.)
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